Depression, do I accept it, or do I fight it?
Depression, has it come back to haunt me because of someone? Or because of the realisation of the amount of work which needs doing? The thought of shooting myself crossed my head just last night, I can’t seek professional help that would put me at risk of being ‘interviewed’, so instead I decided to write this, whatever ‘this’ is, at first, I wanted ‘this’ to be a poem, then quickly realised my poetic skills aren’t the greatest.
Depression, do I accept it, or do I fight it? Fighting emotions, I realised isn’t the healthiest thing to do. Looking at the devices we call phones at more than regular intervals isn’t either, a device no greater than my hand keeps me on it for God knows how many hours during the day. Productivity decreases, loneliness increases, anxiety increases, which leads back to (yup you guessed it) depression.
Depression, is this an idea in my brain or actual chemical imbalances within it? Ideas, people often partially reject the idea, or at least put it off, of the Qur’an being a cure for mental health, I swear by Allah even just listening to the Qur’an gives me tranquillity in my heart, reciting it gives me peace (currently ill so can’t recite), for me it is ONE of the solutions to mental health and must be complemented with something else.
I heard the adhaan, beautiful as it was, listened to the takbeer, yet I was awake in bed eyes wide open, brain partially functioning, and I did not want to join my housemates, I ask Allah for forgiveness and seek repentance in Him, twice this has happened now, was a regular thing not too long ago though. I seek refuge in Allah that it becomes a regular thing again.
Depression, did it cause me to forget what I was about to write? I’m an absent-minded person, thoughts or ideas need to be written down before they disappear into thin air.
Playing cricket in the front garden of the new house, hitting the ball across the road to the green patch on the other side at the age of four, a fond memory. Frightened, alone, being hit for not knowing how to recite the word of Allah, again at the age of four, an unpleasant memory, these are the extreme thoughts which go through my head occasionally, Alhamdulillah occasionally, otherwise it was a regular occurrence.
It has come back to me now, the thought which I had forgotten about, crying, maybe because a tear or two are being shed right as I write this, crying truly can be a remedy for mental health, I hate crying, but when I do cry it feels like a burden has been lifted off me, the vessel in my chest has been emptied, the negative thoughts/memories have come to life and are gone from me at least temporarily. And to end off, the idea of hitting a 4-year- old just because they don’t know how to recite the word of Allah just baffles me to this day.
Alhamdulillah, I know how to recite now, and this memory didn’t hinder me from learning His book and His remembrance, in fact it now brings me closer in the sense that I’ll never reprimand a child for not knowing something about His religion.
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